Poly/Open Relationships Advice [posted as the_sugarplumfairy, Sept.10]

[opening post on an IC thread.]

Hi! I'm looking for advice specifically from people who don't regard themselves as naturally poly, but who have found themselves in a poly/open relationship and have found ways to adapt, deal with, and embrace the situation. It might also be helpful to hear from those who are naturally poly but who've helped a partner to embrace that too.

I know that it's all about communication, communication, communication – and we are communicating! But I think it would be helpful to get some other perspectives.

I don't want advice along the lines of “he just wants to play the field, get rid of him, have some respect.” I don't want to get rid of him, I love him and he loves me. He's made the way he is, and that is with the capacity to love more than one person, and he will always be the kind to sleep around when he wants to. I love all of him. I want to find a way in which the emotional part of me feels at peace, at ease, and safe with the situation – which can then align with my rational sense which knows everything is alright… We will find a way for this to work for both of us, and your tips and advice might help us but we'll do it anyway.

I am finding the situation hard for a variety of reasons, and would welcome comments from those who've experienced and overcome (and if not overcome, what do you think was the reason why…?)

The first is an inate insecurity and low self-esteem in my character – a flaw in many respects, not just in this instance. But not being the 'only one' makes me feel less special, less worthy, less… Which I then justify because I feel less deserving…

The second is jealousy – he is mine, I'm a territorial being, and I don't like to share… (Actually, in the D/s sense I am his, but in this regard I'm finding it hard to make that the relevant part…)

The third is societal convention – it's not 'normal' to not be in a couple as defined as two people… (Now, logically, it's not normal to like getting the sh1t beaten out of you regularly and like kneeling at his feet, but I don't seem to have a problem with those things not being normal… just this..). Society would say “you're worth so much more, you deserve someone who will love only you…” which reinforces the first part about insecurity and self-esteem. But rationally I know this is an out-dated constriction which many of us (and non-kink people too) have broken free from.

I hope that made a bit of sense... So… any tips please oh lovely IC'ers…?

(edited to add, also posted on the poly group board, a kind suggestion from another IC'er )

Edited to add as the thread is now full: once again, thank you. Having re-read the thread and my original post, I realise that I didn't explicitly say that my partner was upfront with me from day 1 about his other relationships and what he wanted from an open relationship; and there have never been any restrictions on my playing with other girls either. I'm hugely grateful for all the comments and helpful suggestions by the contributors to this thread, thank you.

A very bad poem [posted as twisted_eros, Jul.11]

Knife, sharpened / little pressure / skin tears... / air out / blood trickles / beautifully welling up / like the tears in my eyes...

Stop, a moment / cut deeper? / a cut that won't heal, like the shard breaking open my heart? / or, pills and sleep...

Not to hurt anymore / not to be anymore / To be released.

I don't. / But I always think about it.

2 degrees out [posted as twisted_eros, Oct.09]

Wasn't planning to be back... but insomnia has drawn me out...

i'm not liking the world very much. That's ok, who ever said you were supposed to like it. But, i'm trapped. Tried running away. It didn't take. And i didn't get well either, like i was supposed to, like people think i have.

Can't seem to make this new life work. Can't not live. Always been a pleaser and too many people would be too upset with me, so that's not an option. So, can't run away, can't end it, got to stick it out. Sticking it out sucks. i don't have the energy to start fresh again.

There's a picture, i have it on my wall. She's a girl, stuck in time. A time, just over two years ago. Invincible, a cheeky, knowing smile. That girl had everything in front of her. She'd left her husband, she was just about to meet her first (and only so far as it turns out) Dom that evening. She was going to fulfill her life's dream. She'd recently lost a lot of weight and she loved her figure. She loved herself. Then it all got warped somehow. That girl, she was starting over, and she was excited by it. And it got screwed up in a very screwy way.

No reason to get excited by the future anymore. A friend said i was a cautionary tale. He meant it as a joke really but its kind of stuck in my head. It's true, somehow i managed to screw up the marriage, the four bedroom house, the career...

i can feel myself drawing away from my friends, not being totally myself with them, hiding from them the fact that i'm not happy. Because now i'm back, i'm supposed to be. i was on the phone for 3 hours with one friend last week; managed to keep from telling her the one thing that was on my mind, that i'd managed to break my own heart by falling in love with the one person i shouldn't have. She'd only have told me off, told me i wasn't in love, that it didn't happen.

i'm coasting through events, smiling, kissing, laughing, the life and soul of the party... inside i'm screaming. i've been a mill-stone around the necks of my friends, vanilla and kinky, for so long now... for two years pretty much... its time they had a break. When can i have mine?

i'm frightened, empty, tired... it's taken every ounce of strength i've had to get this far... i thought i was well again. i'm not going back to that. i'm just not. i might be 2 degrees off where i need to be now, but i'm going to get back there, i will. Because there simply isn't another option.

Dropping aka Depression [posted as twisted_eros, Jan.09]

Well, i know why i've dropped. Had a very helpful chat on the phone to the best man in the world last night when i started dropping. And i'm calmer now, but i can't pull out of it. Not at work. And given how tenuous that job is at the moment, i really should be. They think i'm working from home and there's a lot to be done, so might not be going to bed tonight as i haven't started yet. But i don't really care. It's like i want to lose everything, so i can justify being like this. Although, i think there's enough to justify it anyway, and mostly i think i'm doing really well, as i still keep trying. But, if it was down to me, really i wouldn't try anymore. Knowing how my friends would feel, and my family, keeps me trying. When i was a Samaritan they said this point was the most dangerous stage, when you're on the way up, but fall down and have the energy to question why you keep trying. So, i know why i've dropped at this moment. i know why this is a difficult stage for depression recovery. i know things CAN get better. But logic and emotion rarely meet, and i just want to run away to a different life because i'm really not a fan of this one. And i want a hug. A real one, not a virtual one.

Will it ever end? [posted as twisted_eros, Jan09]

Woke up crying. Went to sleep crying. Some days it just comes over me in waves. Felt for a while like it was getting better, but the pain inside just seems to be cutting me like a knife, tearing me apart from the inside, the emptiness and lonliness jeering at me.

Two years ago, i was 33, married, trying for a baby, big 4 bedroom house, good career. Not very happy. But then, i'm not happy now either. Now, i'm 35, single, renting a small flat, on a contract. Broken and damaged in ways i'm only beginning to comprehend. He's engaged and expecting the kid we were always going to have together.

i look back, and i don't know how this happened. Yes, i had to leave, neither of us were happy. But how did i lose everything? How did i lose my sanity? i used to be so strong, now all i am is fragile, jumping out of my skin when a car door slams outside the window. Would it all be different if last April hadn't happened? When will i ever recover from that? Will i?

i don't know how to move on. The desolation of lonliness eats me up but i can't date. i simply cannot. i freeze with panic at the thought of meeting someone new, someone i don't know, somewhere where i don't know anyone else. So, i tell people to meet me at a munch, but if they're not on the scene, they look down on that, they don't want to make the effort. So fuck them. But i can't date, and i can't meet vanillas, that panics me even more, so i really don't know what to do. Just a hug. Just to feel like i didn't have to do all this by myself. Just to cry into someone else's arms. Then maybe i could find the strength to carry on.

Everywhere i look, people are pairing up, whether its casual or more permanent. Everyone says i'm ok looking, that they love me, but not in that way, that i should be snapped up. But who wants desperation? Its not an attractive quality. And i won't do casual, and i won't share. Which pretty much means the whole scene that i know is off limits. And back to the previous point, i can't meet anyone else, because i panic at the thought of meeting them. Catch 22.

i really am not sure of the point of trying to carry on. But i will. Try. Put on my happy mask again, fool the world, and try to fool myself.

Twisted, once again.

RIP twisted_eros! [posted as twisted_eros, Dec.08]

Well, twisted_eros doesn't feel so twisted anymore, rose is back, alive and well, and looking forward to 2009 with a smile on her face 

Strange, unfamiliar ground... But, slowly, over the past few weeks, the happy times have lasted longer, been more frequent, and the lows less intense. This is down to the continuing care and support of some of my truest friends, whom i can't begin to thank; i owe them my life.

It feels like a seismic shift has taken place inside of me. i didn't think i would ever feel this way again, just happy - without the fear that it would be temporary.

It's still a long journey, but now i feel like i can make it.

And play is fun again! 

RIP twisted_eros. i hope you're never resurrected! You served me a purpose, but now that purpose is done 

To my friend [posted as twisted_eros, Dec.08]

To my friend

i know my silence frustrates you. i struggle to express myself out loud. The words get stuck in my throat and all is left is tears, and i feel so weak and helpless and just feeling sorry for myself, which is stupid and makes me feel worse. i know i need to deal with things, and not pretend i'm ok, but i'm tired of not being ok and pretending works a lot of the time. i hate feeling weak and broken and damaged. Sometimes i get too tired to pretend anymore and everything feels futile. The fact you care and continue to care when i'm not helping you understand, it means the world the me. Please don't stop caring, or trying to understand. You give me strength, you make me want to be better. i feel so grateful that you came into my life, that i know you. i worry about you too. Thank you for your friendship. xxx