2 degrees out [posted as twisted_eros, Oct.09]

Wasn't planning to be back... but insomnia has drawn me out...

i'm not liking the world very much. That's ok, who ever said you were supposed to like it. But, i'm trapped. Tried running away. It didn't take. And i didn't get well either, like i was supposed to, like people think i have.

Can't seem to make this new life work. Can't not live. Always been a pleaser and too many people would be too upset with me, so that's not an option. So, can't run away, can't end it, got to stick it out. Sticking it out sucks. i don't have the energy to start fresh again.

There's a picture, i have it on my wall. She's a girl, stuck in time. A time, just over two years ago. Invincible, a cheeky, knowing smile. That girl had everything in front of her. She'd left her husband, she was just about to meet her first (and only so far as it turns out) Dom that evening. She was going to fulfill her life's dream. She'd recently lost a lot of weight and she loved her figure. She loved herself. Then it all got warped somehow. That girl, she was starting over, and she was excited by it. And it got screwed up in a very screwy way.

No reason to get excited by the future anymore. A friend said i was a cautionary tale. He meant it as a joke really but its kind of stuck in my head. It's true, somehow i managed to screw up the marriage, the four bedroom house, the career...

i can feel myself drawing away from my friends, not being totally myself with them, hiding from them the fact that i'm not happy. Because now i'm back, i'm supposed to be. i was on the phone for 3 hours with one friend last week; managed to keep from telling her the one thing that was on my mind, that i'd managed to break my own heart by falling in love with the one person i shouldn't have. She'd only have told me off, told me i wasn't in love, that it didn't happen.

i'm coasting through events, smiling, kissing, laughing, the life and soul of the party... inside i'm screaming. i've been a mill-stone around the necks of my friends, vanilla and kinky, for so long now... for two years pretty much... its time they had a break. When can i have mine?

i'm frightened, empty, tired... it's taken every ounce of strength i've had to get this far... i thought i was well again. i'm not going back to that. i'm just not. i might be 2 degrees off where i need to be now, but i'm going to get back there, i will. Because there simply isn't another option.