my men [posted as twisted_eros, Nov.08]

i felt the first post experiment worked quite well.. so, i'm going to try the same exorcism on how i feel about some of the men in my life....

Man No.1 - my husband. Well, i loved him. Obviously. We were married a long time, and it was never easy but our love kept us together... Until, over time, the never easy bit just eroded all the love either of us had... We're good friends now, and i'm very proud we've been able to salvage that and not shat all over the memories... i've always known i'm submissive, but for him i managed to push all the fantasies to the back of my mind, and just keep them as fantasies... When i left him, it was like a door had opened in my soul and i was able to be me, really me... And i didn't have to walk around on egg shells anymore, scared that the slightest word would set him off and i would see hate in his eyes... i know now that was because he wasn't happy either... But i have scars from the relationship, i can't feel that anything is ever likely to be permanent anymore, i can't trust in the now to provide the future... He told me after we'd split up that he'd been in love with someone else for 6 years... No wonder all my trying to make it work, didn't work... He's engaged now, to someone else, not the 6 years woman, and whilst i'm really happy for him, it's kind of knocked me for six, feeling like i'm left on the shelf, broken and incapable of that... i don't want him back, but i want to feel loved.

Man No.2 - the first Dom. i was obsessed by Him. He taught me about submission, i craved Him, i craved what He made me do, i felt alive through Him. i thought we were more than just D/s, i wanted Him all the time. Vanilla stuff was so comfortable with Him, we were friends. He chose another, and yet He still wanted me. Until He abandoned me when i needed His support most. i understand why, from a rational viewpoint, but i don't think i'll ever understand it emotionally... i regret that we haven't found a way to stay friends. i regret that He's no longer in my life. i choose a detour on my way to the station, so i don't need to walk past His house... Remembering the times i knocked at His door, scared for what might follow, but so excited and happy that that night He'd chosen me to spend His time with... i'm happy He seems happy now, but i'm unhappy He doesn't seem to have found a way in which i can still factor in His life. Maybe its because He feels so bad about abandoning me. Maybe its because He still cares about me, and feels that's a betrayal of His girlfriend. Or maybe He just doesn't care, and doesn't think about me at all...

Man No.3 - the could have been. i met him, we played. The D/s worked extremely well, we synched.. It lasted 5 minutes, we were both in the right place at the wrong time. We're excellent friends now. He's there when i need him, he came to my house the night i needed help to stay alive. If we ever tried again, i know i'd fall in love with him. But that would be wrong. He has his whole life ahead, should be thinking about finding a woman to settle down with, have children, etc. i can't give him that, so i settle for friends, and mutual respect, and support.

Man No.4 - my rock. He came into my life when i was crumbling. He wanted to look after me and make me feel safe. He brought me back into the world, so i could function, he built me up and gave me strength. He's still the only person i feel i can be vulnerable with, he gets the calls when i'm crying and feeling low. He makes me laugh. He gives me pain when i need it, he understands its not healthy but he does it because he knows its my only way at the moment. He knows when i need comfort. i'm becoming dependent on him, even though we're not together anymore. i seem to want him more now that we're not together. i want to look after him too, make things better for him. i feel sad that i couldn't be the woman that he wants, that i couldn't make him want just me. But i value him so much. He's special and he always will be to me.

Man No.5 - my confusion. i'm chasing this man. Psychology 101 says its very simple. i want to feel safe and looked after. He's substantially older than me and i guess i'm looking for a father figure to give me that. But his ambivalence is tearing me apart. So, i'm going to stop. His loss. Or, given how fucked up i am at the moment, maybe his gain...