Addendum [Apr.11]

The earth is apparently flat because the boy who told me he found the concepts of marriage and commitment pure anathema is getting married. And he aims to quit his philandering ways and remain faithful. I walked away from love because I wanted commitment, and he chose commitment with someone else. Ironic doesn't quite do justice to the situation. And the phrase 'he's just not that into you' was never more true. It just wasn't me.

But I know too, that it just wasn't him. He's not for me either. Yes, we loved, and we still do (well, I still do, and I trust he does, as he claimed that once he falls in love he doesn't fall out of love). But we aren't for each other, not long term. We had a sell-by date, we'd acted on it, this is shock news but we were split-up. It hadn't felt like we were split-up, but this has forced the ending on us that we were probably avoiding. Certainly, that I was avoiding.

I'm adjusting to a new reality, one I hadn't been prepared for. I'd imagined staying great friends, maybe some benefits, still a lot of emotional support, still in contact with the details of our lives. I'd thought the worst that would happen was that he'd meet someone else within our circle of friends and I'd often come across him and her together, but I'd know she'd be one of many, and I'd feel good that I'd left that behind.

That won't happen. He'll be married. He'll only be with her. He chose a different path and it's spun me around.

I have questioned everything. Did he really love me? Was it really real? Did I matter? I know the answers to those questions, I know he did love me, I know I was really significant in his life, and I know we really mattered.

He's an amazing man, he handled telling me his news with utmost respect for our relationship, for me, and with total integrity. He let me get over a terrible milestone (and was there to support me in that) before announcing it publicly, and he even warned me before he did it. There is nothing I can berate him for, nothing.

I feel so empty, so terribly sad. I feel rejected, I feel like people will be laughing at me, or thinking I meant nothing to him. I understand everything rationally, and rationally I know this is right for him, and right for me. But in the tug of war between heart and head, the emotions are winning out and I've imploded a little bit, not handled it with as much grace as I would've liked. But I'm not a saint and I will get better at it.

There will always be a corner of my heart reserved just for him. But it will become just a corner. In time.