Changing the Script [Dec.11]

And so, the end of 2011 draws to a close... And it is with mixed feelings that it does.

A year ago, I felt on top of the world. I was in love, and that love was returned. I felt that 2010 had been the year where I started to pull myself together, post divorce, post mid-life crisis, post trauma.

And then, I was knocked for six, and I really fell down hard. My divorce didn't hit me quite as hard, by any comparison, as my break-up with S did. And then, when he got engaged, I got knocked down all over again. I don't really know why the anniversary of the rape hit me so hard this year, maybe because I was already feeling low and vulnerable. I got so wrapped up in my own panic, my fear, feeling sorry for myself. I was cutting, at times I didn't see any point in carrying on, although no-one ever knew that. It was hard on my friends, and I lost a couple along the way.

SlutWalk was an amazing experience, empowering. It also nearly killed me, the build-up with all the press meaning the PTSD I'd been suffering in anticipation of the anniversary was elongated across several more months.. One day I want to be a strong advocate & campaigner for survivors but I'm not there yet. I feel like there is still too much anger in me to keep myself sanely balanced when the topic comes up.

The other thing that nearly killed me this year was work. But it also saved my life. At the time when my depression was threatening to envelop me, I simply became too busy to be depressed. (And it paid off too, I'm truly proud of my promotion and feel like I've got my career back).

And then, I got well. Slowly. Firewalking was an emotional experience, stupid (my feet are still scarred), but emotional and helpful. My holiday at the end of September may have been only two weeks, but it marked the turning point, fresh air, a feeling I could breathe and was set free again. Also, I am starting the new year not wanting to move. I've put down roots, and Ealing suits me. Finally, for the first time since the divorce, and actually for a while before that too, finally, I feel like I belong somewhere.

My friends have been amazing, you always are. Thank you for all your support, those of you reading this, and those that aren't too. Two men have been really special to me this year, and I hope, despite the changes I'll be making in my life, that we'll stay close. My relationship with my parents will always be a little strained, it's in their nature, but we've started to mend bridges and that makes me smile.

So, things are getting better. But I know I could easily slip back into despair. I won't let myself. I am going to change the script.

No longer will the voices in my head be all about me. They always have been, for a long time as a child I thought that I was special because I was the only one who could think for herself, everyone else was just robots in my dream. Well, my self-centred nature has been my achilles heel, and it's going to end.

I am hoping that 2012 brings me something far more important than me to be focused on. A positive outlet for my emotional energy. A child. No.183, together we are going to create Nate or Scarlet and I will have a very very very different life.