Dichotomy [Jul.11]

A friend of mine told me I was a real dichotomy, with very complex layers. He said that I appear to be one thing publicly, but, in private, was very different. He said that I come across as a feminist, outspoken against rape. He knows my past. But he also knows that in private, I yearn to be taken, used, exposed, made vulnerable, abused, no choice. He understands that, privately, what I enjoy, is consensual, my choice, with the man (or woman) of my choice. But, yet, he sees the contradiction, in what I abhor, and what I crave.

I don't believe I'm a dichotomy at all. Yes, I'm complex, but I think all human beings are. My fantasies have always involved being helpless, being abused, being used. Being raped hasn't taken those fantasies away, it's the way I'm made. The difference is consent.

I don't believe in consensual non-consent. When I am being degraded, it's on my terms. It's on my terms when it's not on my terms. Playing scenes of intense degradation and use, they help me to remember that this stuff can be fun, that it's a time when I choose not to be in control. And I revel in it.

I don't necessarily regard myself as a feminist, but feminism is nothing without choice.

ETA: I'm not really disputing his opinion that I'm a dichotomy, just trying to make sense of these contradictory aspects of me...