Not my best decision. Didn't go to work this morning. My boss says i can take it as holiday but i need to be honest with myself as to what i can commit to... Really hope i'm not about to lose my job, i really need it, not just because i need the money but because i need the routine, to stop moping around the place. i hope she's just talking about maybe going part time for a while, which wouldn't be great but is maybe what i need...
i don't even know why i couldn't go... i went to bed last night at 8pm, and i slept all the way through... i got up, and suddenly felt so empty the idea of being around people felt like they would whoosh through me, leaving me like dust on the ground... i felt panicky and just wanted to curl back up into a ball again.
Its just too hard doing this on my own. Everyone thinks i'm better now. Most of my friends are bored of hearing how i am, so i spend time reassuring them i'm ok. Some of them have even stopped hanging out with me, i've put them through too much and they're tired of it. Totally get that. Just means i spend more energy reassuring everyone else so no-one else abandons me. Except everyone thinking i'm ok feels like an abandonment too. Because i'm not.
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