Detox Update - Happy [July 2009]

To update on my last blog, which detailed the hell of the first day of detox. It got better. Much better. 

The colonics were twice daily and as they cleansed my insides, I felt like the air popped out of the balloon and I could breathe again. Mostly during the colonics I would cry, or be in pain. But afterwards I would feel so much better.

The hugest thing was when I decided to listen to Tori Amos, Me and a Gun. I haven't been able to listen comfortably to that song since the rape so I put the song on the ipod and listened. Jeez, the amount of poo (well its not actually, its mucoid plaque but that doesn't sound much better!) that came out with that one. And I felt soooo much better afterwards!

After that, every colonic I would choose the music to drum up some hurt emotion and get rid of all the hurt over the years. Past boyfriends who hurt me, friends who proved not to be such good friends... All sorted out. Dealt with. Not so much forgiven, or forgotten, just the memory is not going to hurt anymore.

Overall, during the detox I lost 6.6kgs which is about a stone. Which is great. A long way to go still on the weight loss, until I'm back to where I was before the rape. And I need to get to where I was, so that I am no longer a walking, talking, visible sign of the hurt he caused me. But I can do it now. Because he's not going to hurt me anymore.

I know that there will still be tough days. I know that next time I'm stressed, or something goes wrong, all this will be tested. My emotional resilience needs to build up again. And I know I won't forget, and I will be changed forever by what happened. But I no longer feel so much resentment at how I am changed. I know I am changed, I am not the same person as I was. But the new me, isn't so bad. The new me is pretty kick arse actually. I am fighting my way out of this, and I will continue to do so.

For the first time that I can remember, for a very very long time, I am happy. There is no undercurrent of fear, sadness, panic, self-pity. I simply feel happy. I can't remember when I last felt this way. This is huge. The detox has achieved what months of therapy have totally failed to do. Clear my head.

(A note on the 'r' word – a friend said I had used it a lot in the last blog and I've chosen to use it here. I refuse for rape to be taboo. If it is taboo, it feels like something I should be ashamed of. I didn't do it, it was done to me. So I shouldn't be made to feel ashamed; it makes me more of a victim and I won't be that anymore. It is what it is, and pussy-footing around the subject does no good to anyone).

Now that I've done this, I feel like my journey can begin. For so long, I wasn't living, I was surviving, I was stuck. Now, I am going to start living, start enjoying and suck the marrow out of life (per one of my fav films!) 

I know when I come home (and I am coming home, to stay), I know I'll have legions of hugs from all my wonderful friends. Thank you, all of you. I love you.

(Eta, the 'other' site now has the PG version and some pics for those reading... )