Love Story [Feb.11]

Everything is still a jumble of mixed emotions but I'm starting to settle on some clear thoughts. Sort of.

Reasons why it workedAlanis - Everything You see everything, you see every part / You see all my light and you love my dark / You dig everything of which I'm ashamed / There's not anything to which you can't relate / And you're still here The first time I saw him I felt something rush through me. After that first meeting, I would get goosebumps whenever I was near him, he made me nervous and I was too tongue-tied to approach him. It wasn't for over two years that we actually had a conversation, and from that moment there was nothing that could be done, we became what we were. We were happy, I smiled like I hadn't smiled in such a long time. I laughed. I laughed a lot. I got a skip in my heart when I knew I was seeing him, I was always sad to see him go. He controlled me, he humiliated me, he protected me, he made me brave, he made me scared, he let me look after him, he gave me credit for my own decisions and he never asked me to be something I wasn't. He was my everything.

Reasons why it had to end Alanis – Doth protest too much I'm not jealous / I don't get moved by much / I'm not enraged / Not insecure as such / Not going insane / Rational stays in touch / Doth I protest too much? I'm not tortured by how oft you're busy, Cause I've got things to do / I'm not disappointed about how you don't miss me, cause I don't need you to I'm not needy / I don't get clingy much / I'm not scared / I'm not afraid as such / I'm not dependent / Rock solid, stays in touch / And Doth I protest too much? So much energy to prove to you / Who I can't possibly be / So much energy to prove to you / I'm not who you hate for me to be Cats and dogs don't have a history of living happily ever after and in our case it proved the same of wolves and kittens… We were just two very different people, with very different needs for what would make us happy in the longer term. We both tried really hard to make poly work for me, he made lots of compromises too. But, in the end, poly just isn't for me, and I think it's more than just my failure to 'unlearn' monogamous concepts, I think I am simply made to want a monogamous commited relationship. I said that it wouldn't be poly that broke us up. I was wrong. Some people have said, well he wasn't for you anyway. Not true. He was for me, and I was for him. For the time that we spent together, we were perfect for each other. We just had a use by date. It's hard because love didn't die. Love is still very much alive and kicking. When I left my husband, I didn't love him anymore, but it was still sad. This just feels wrong. I feel like I just didn't try for long enough, that I let him down because I insisted for so long that I would get used to it. He's the strong one, he knows I tried for as long as I could before we ended up spoiling what we had. And he's being so wonderful, so supportive, not disappearing. He's still helping me stay sane, somehow patiently treading the tightrope between being my friend, and yet not letting me get dependent.

Kitten. The end of a D/s relationship is different in some ways to the end of other types of relationships. It's not harder to get over, it's just got different elements that need getting over. I'm relieved that we'd pulled back from D/s in the last few months, and had instead been applying a kind of D/s lite (I submitted when he told me to, but I didn't sit on the floor all the time anymore). Because otherwise this part would have been even harder. But he always had an undercurrent of control with me – after all, he only needed to say a certain word and it would be immediately obvious who was in control. The demise of kitten is something I haven't got my head around yet. But I'll never be kitten again. Just as I will never be anyone's princess again or anyone's bunny rabbit (both terms of endearment that the ex husband has a monopoly over), I will never be anyone else's kitten. I was not a kitten. I was his kitten.

Acclimatizing. My mood swings are quite astounding. Some days I'm waking with a pillow wet from my tears, I curl up in a ball and wonder how I'm going to get up and be part of the world. I'm like a fiery ball of rage, snapping at everyone and everything, a tinderpot ready to erupt into anger or tears, or both. Other days, I'm numb, empty, sad, melancholic but upbeat, hopeful. Most days, I'm a mixture and can switch from empty to rage, to tears, to hope, all within a moment, and back again. Nights aren't much better. There's lots of killing, running, hiding, searching, carnage, distrust, fear. The dreams aren't just about this, I know that. But, it would be lovely to have no dreams, to give myself a break to wake up one day refreshed so I could be better prepared to deal with all this..

Renewal. One day I'm going to be OK. Right now, I can't imagine loving anyone else, being in love again. But one day I will love again. And I know that I want it to be a simple relationship, because whilst nothing worthwhile ever came easy, complex and complicated relationships are very hard work! But I also know that you can't help who you fall in love with, so next time it might not be easy either. And I know that I will always do anything for love, including twist myself into pieces to try to keep love. I might know myself better to avoid some of the twistier parts, but love is worth everything. Muse – Feeling Good I don't feel it yet, but one day I will: It's a new dawn / It's a new day / It's a new life / For me / And I'm feeling good

PS. and it seems I listen to too much Alanis Morissette.