Talk Hard [Mar.11]

I've always been quite shy; I often prefer my own company and I struggle in crowds. But, conversely, I've also always been quite outspoken. If I believe in something, I will say so. If I believe something is wrong, I will say so. And if I don't understand something, I will say so.

This is partly down to a lifetime of conditioning – at home, where attention was only given to the one who shouted loudest; at school, where I was taught to ask questions – someone else in the class would be grateful you'd asked, because if you didn't know, it meant someone else didn't know too; at work, where challenging ideas, picking them apart, putting them back together, makes for a stronger idea.

It's also partly due to a value-set at the core of who I am. I believe in openness, transparency. I believe in the right to ask questions, to challenge. I believe in debate as a hard-fought-for right that many people in many countries don't have the luxury of, nor that we did in this country without people standing up and fighting for what *they* believed in. I believe that one of the worse traits of society today is the prevalence of apathy; the malaise of 'it doesn't affect me directly, so I'll shrug my shoulders and look another way'.

Saying something is wrong and could be done another way is not a bad thing in and of itself; it's only criticism that is meant maliciously, deconstructively, in a bullying way that has no place. Criticism that is constructive is actually supportive. It just as wrong to praise something effusively without giving constructive criticism, as to criticise something without giving a constructive way forward. At work, I don't want my boss to tell me everything is great: I want to know how I can improve to become even better.

And I don't believe in quietly fixing issues behind the scenes. In the words of a good friend of mine, who argued the opposite, I do know better. When public issues are fixed privately it gives off an unpleasant whiff of cliques, nepotism and exclusion: and when you're part of that 'clique' and questions are being asked, it's even more important not to get things done silently. I recognise not everyone believes these things; but these things are my beliefs. And I will always question what I don't understand, or what I believe is wrong.

It feels like the 'scene' is one place where my value-set on this issue is at odds with many others', including dear friends of mine. But I can't be sorry for what I am. In the words of the eat me, beat me lady* from Pump Up the Volume, "jam me, jack me, push me, pull me, talk hard". Talk up, talk often, talk hard.

*great name; and, yes, I would (Samantha Mathis, mmmmm. Maybe both her and Christian in a sandwich... mmmmmm)