Contemplating the Year [December 2008]

2008 will not be a candidate for best year ever: actually it had bloody better be worst year ever as i don't want another one like it... i'd thought that 2007 had been tough enough, and when 2008 came i was convinced life was going to turn around and get better. It got far, far worse, and i've spent the majority of the year in a state of depression, feeling like i was holding on by a very thin thread, that almost broke, many times. It's been almost as though i've been trapped in a nightmare that i couldn't escape from. 2009 doesn't need to rock. my only expectation for 2009 is that its not as painful and holds some happy times.

But i want to celebrate the good things that happened in 2008. And, really, amidst all the pain, some really great things did.

i started the year unemployed, to start a new career in the film business. i wanted to be a film producer, and i'd been restless in my job for about 5 years prior, just thinking about it. So, i went out on a limb and tried… It didn't work out, but i discovered i didn't want it to – it really wasn't my dream job after all! So, the good thing is, i was brave enough to try, and i won't be regretting that i'd never followed my dreams, when i'm on my deathbed….

i also became more politicised this year… after years of being a bit of a champagne socialist, believing but not doing anything, one of the high points of my year was turning up to the CAAN demo in May, not knowing anyone, and meeting lots of lovely people, including the wonderful De (Dennis)… sitting outside CCK and debating what we should call ourselves, me insisting Consenting Adults should be in the title, people agreeing… getting handcuffed to the railings outside the Houses of Parliament – it was a very special time, amidst a time of intense suffering for me… i hope to be more active in 2009.

i met some wonderful people this year, mostly from IC and the scene. And many have become very close friends, so i want to celebrate those friendships: MichaelCane, MidKnight, Miss_Delora…. your friendship and support over the past half year particularly will never be forgotten and can never be truly repaid. Anything you ever need, you only need to ask. Also, Misssy, psycheee, Littleboots, AndrexPuppy, VolcanicSparks, Bluemax, Athor, Indelible Marker, Joanie… you've all been there for me, at different times, when you've seen i've needed support. Thank you.

And a special mention for a special lady… She knows who she is… Looking after you, being with you, makes me feel special… You're beautiful and you make me feel beautiful too.

There are two people who've drifted away over the past few months, but i'm hoping in 2009 we rebuild the friendship that had to go on hold for various complicated reasons. You were both there for me when i didn't know where else to turn, and you'll both always be special to me.

my life is slowly turning around. i'm back in paid employment (for god knows how long, but hey, so far, still getting a paycheck), i've a lovely flat and i'm off the anti-depressants. i might (might) even be getting to a state where i'm ready to date again. Sometimes i find myself singing, dancing, feeling happy. It's an unfamiliar feeling but i'm ready to feel it more.

i've recognised that i'm a lot stronger than i gave myself credit for. After all, i'm still here. i really didn't think i still would be, and actually, i'm glad i am. 2009 doesn't need to rock, it just needs to be marginally better.

To everyone who's had a bit of poo year... if you're going through hell, keep going (winston churchill) - even if you can't see the light, its there somewhere... And keep your friends close, they'll save your life. Mine did.

rose xxx