One Year on.... Stronger [April 09]

It happened a year ago on Friday. Thursday was a bad day. Friday was surprisingly alright, except for the nightmares later at night... i was staying with a friend and apparently i woke her screaming more than once. Wish i could have screamed at the time. Nightmares are awful, they settle on you and follow you around all day... Even yesterday, i kept bursting into tears, no real reasons. my friends have kept proving to me again and again, why they are my friends, their support, and understanding, and acceptance, its just amazing and i thank them all (and the ones who won't be reading this).

But getting through a whole year. The hard part must be done. The nightmares have made me feel like it happened yesterday, but i know i've survived a year. i can survive another. And another. At the time, i didn't feel like a survivor, i'd stopped fighting to make him stop. But now, after a lot of therapy, i realised that by stopping fighting, i was surviving. i've built up a support network, i've done a lot of therapy (and i still am), i've got my job back, i've moved house, i've got my friends, i'm getting fit, i'm losing weight (the weight i put on in about 2 months from trauma-eating, the weight that had taken me the whole of the prior year to lose). For the first time in a long time, i'm thinking about surviving this world, not how to run away from it.

A lot of the time, i still feel weak. i'm fragile. It doesn't take a lot to tip me into feeling panic, when i lose control and feel powerless, even if its just the proverbial spilt milk, it takes me back to that place, the same feeling. But i know i'm getting stronger. i'm starting to get more perspective and understand when i'm over-reacting, even when i can't stop the over-reaction.

i'm getting stronger. i'm still not at peace with this world, but i'm starting to think there might be a chance for it. i'm having to become more familiar with anger (i've never been angry until now) and i'm starting to be a little more at peace with some of the changes in me. i used to be eternally optimistic, now not so much. But the new me isn't so bad, the new me is still pretty good.

i'm getting stronger. i'm just not strong yet. But i will be.