Acting as if [posted as twisted_eros, Dec 08]

A really good friend of mine told me on Sunday that sometimes people don't want to hang around with other people who are down all the time... It really hurt, because he is someone, one of the few, that i felt i could be myself around, and not have to fake it. Because i am taking his advice and trying to act as if...

Which is exhausting.

i'm getting so much better. i'm doing so well at faking happiness with other people, that sometimes i'm convincing myself. Sometimes. And then, something happens to crack the illusion, and its really hard to pretend. And i break. Because in those moments it all feels so futile, such a pretence, and what's the point, really?

So, tonight i feel broken. Not because of what happened all those months ago. No, this is a much more common ailment, i'm lonely. i want to feel loved and cherished and cuddle up to someone. i think its the xmas season, everyone coupled up, or with their families, exchanging gifts. i really wish this year was over already...

Going to write my grateful list, see if it works to fix my head, a camomile tea, and an early night...