Trinity [May 2010]

Once upon a time, there lived a very good girl. She did everything she was told, and jumped through all the required hoops. She studied hard, and passed her exams. She was polite, and handed around the canapés for the guests, even when she was 5. Acts of rebellion were minor and rare. When she grew up, she got a very sensible job, which became a career, met a man with an even more sensible job, got married, bought a house, did DIY. The last house she owned, was planned to be her home for the next 30 years, until the children were old enough to have left university and left home… This very good girl had everything. If the suburban dream is everything.

I don't recognise that girl anymore. I can't understand her hopes and desires, her dreams and ambitions. It's like she's an alien from a different planet. But that girl was me.

I've been thinking a lot about my different personalities and what they mean to me. I'm not saying I'm schizophrenic, nor do I have a personality disorder, but different personalities do manifest in different situations. I think that's natural. But I think I find it easier to play a role in different situations, because I no longer know who I am. The real girl is in there somewhere, but she isn't the girl she was, and she's still trying to make sense of life. The last 3 years have taken their toll and her whole world order has been screwed up and distorted. Divorce, rape, unemployment are just the big things that the good girl of the past has had to cope with, take on board, and move on from. Perspective has changed. Core values have been tested, and some found to fall short of life's realities. When I actually take a step back to consider everything, then I'm not surprised I don't know who I am, or what I want, or where I'm going. What's hard is that I know I used to know those things, but those things aren't wanted anymore.

When I started on my journey into BDSM, I was EmilyJ. Mostly it represented a total lack of creativity when it came to a scene name, but with hindsight, it also represented the fact that I was still Emily. I still understood who I'd been, and I was clear about who I was becoming. I was fearless and excited by life. The future was uncertain but it was one big adventure. In vanilla life I will always be Emily. (Well, its my name, and I can't go into work and tell them to call me 'kitten', really... ) But, when I'm Emily, I focus on the real world. Emily is the hardest person to be. Because the real world has proven to be more uncertain than a big adventure.

And so, not being Emily, that's a release.

rose was born over two years ago, and rose has been a very comfortable fit for me. rose is primarily a sexual masochist and exhibitionist. When I'm rose, I know I'm alive. rose will always be my scene identity.

But now I'm also kitten. His kitten. It's a safe place to be, kneeling at His feet. Peaceful. It feels like the most natural place to be; home. As His kitten I take shelter from thinking, from being, and I just am…

Emily, rose, kitten. All these are me. Different parts of me, and somehow, the sum of the parts makes the total of me. But I still don't quite know how.

The different personalities are also different manifestations of my kink…. Emily is vanilla. rose is a masochist. And I think that's why I needed kitten as well. kitten is submissive. rose wants and wants, and demands to be hit, to have her itches scratched…. kitten knows its what He wants that matters, and whilst kitten still has wants and needs, being in the kitten mindset helps to put those wants and needs to one side… The biggest fight in my head is between rose and kitten. Between S&M and D/s. Between my needs and serving His.

The path to submission isn't easy. Even EmilyJ used to identify as a submissive. But that was before I knew what submission actually was. I was starting to understand and then the world rocked and I took refuge in masochism and in rose. Now I'm learning again. And I like the lessons.

And one day, maybe soon, or maybe in a while, I'll know who I am, and what I want, and where I'm going… Maybe…