I am Nothing [Aug.11]

Edited 8th August to add: I've been prevaricating about showing this, hiding it, unhiding it, and hiding it again. I wrote what's below when I was in a really dark place, in fact I spent most of the weekend in a dark place. He couldn't make the event I blogged about through no fault of his own, and I don't want any blame to be attributed to him for the way I feel. Throughout the whole thing, he's been a true gentleman, sometimes I doubt him, but that's my insecurity. The situation hasn't ended well, or not for me, but that's not his fault. I'm showing it again because the feelings I wrote about, they are mine, and they are part of me and that's what these blogs are here for: to recount my feelings.

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Life moves on. Your life has moved on. What you do, where you go, it's none of my business. But I was going to where you might be. You knew that. I had to be prepared for you being there. I prepared myself for you being there. We'd spoken about it. Via text, but acknowledged it was going to happen. About us being there. At the same time. But not together.

I knew not to make a scene. I knew I didn't want to make a scene and I was going to work incredibly hard to ensure that I didn't make a scene, that I held it together. It was incredibly important to me to show our friends that we were friends. It was incredibly important to me to be able to be your friend.

But maybe we aren't. I hope we are, I hope we will be, but maybe we aren't. Because if we were, you'd have had the respect to tell me you wouldn't be there. That I didn't need to worry, I didn't need to prepare myself, that I could just enjoy.

I realise I am now nothing to you. I fear I always was.

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Edited 8th August: by the way, I know I was never nothing to him, and I know I am still not nothing to him. It was just the way I felt when I wrote the blog. Actually I wrote it on the tube home, scribbling through my tears on a piece of paper. Which is why I'm keeping it up now. But I know those feelings aren't true: I know I mean more than even just something to him.