Consensual Non-Consent [Jan.12]

Warning: please don't read this if the subject of Consensual Non Consent upsets you. I don't want to cause anyone any upset.

Anyone who's ever read any of my previous replies to stuff on the subject of CNC will know that I think it's an oxymoron and doesn't exist. Rape is non-consent, and the rest is consensual, if sometimes rough, sex.

But....

But recently I've started playing around the edges of CNC, stretching the boundaries of what I'm comfortable with. It started with play, giving 'carte blanche' to various players who I trusted, or learned to trust, letting them push me, knowing they would pull back when needed, trusting that they wouldn't let the noose tighten too tight, or would eventually, and in time, release the airway back to the gas mask. Also, in pain, knowing that it wouldn't stop just because I cried, because it was too much, it would only stop when they decided it should. Or, doing things that I really didn't want to do, not to please (although that was part of it) but because I feared the physical repercussions if I didn't.

But whilst that was me consensually allowing someone else to do things to me, or make me do things, that I didn't want to happen, that frightened me, it wasn't comparable in any way to the rape that happened to me.

And then, with someone else, I experienced CNC of a sexual nature. He takes what he wants, and I did try not to let him. I tried to fight him. I wanted him to fight back, to overpower me and to fuck me. Which he did, brutally, in every sense, and I wanted him to stop and he didn't. He broke me with sex, I cried, I begged him, he ignored me, and took what he wanted.

But, and this is the really important bit, that I'm trying to get my head around. It was so far removed from the rape I experienced. The acts were similar. My reaction during the act was similar. But it was so different, so not comparable. I can almost understand why people use the term 'rape play' because it is only as similar to rape as playing doctors & nurses as a 4 year old is similar to being an actual doctor or an actual nurse, as in, not the same thing at all.

The difference is, there was an understanding of consent in advance of the act. There was an existing friendship and trust in advance of the act. There was an understanding of what would happen in advance of the act. There was a knowledge that afterwards there would be hugs and laughter and a continued mutual respect. The difference is, I wanted him to.

We've met up again since (see the blog, Daddy) and we did discuss this a little. I said how this was really interesting to me, that it was similar but so very different. It makes him really special to me that it was with him that I broke this barrier, because fantasies of being forcibly taken used to be a regular feature in my head and after the rape they somehow seemed taboo, like it was wrong to have those fantasies having experienced something that made me want to not live anymore, and still makes just getting out of bed a struggle sometimes (see, slutwalk, why I am walking). But now, I feel liberated and free to have those fantasies again, because it isn't the same at all. It's just play and doesn't have a life sentence attached.

And the other thing he said, about not being sure if he would ever stop even if I really needed him to... Whilst it should fill me with dread, because it's him, because it's us, I just think that's hot...