Poly/Open Relationships Advice [posted as the_sugarplumfairy, Sept.10]

[opening post on an IC thread.]

Hi! I'm looking for advice specifically from people who don't regard themselves as naturally poly, but who have found themselves in a poly/open relationship and have found ways to adapt, deal with, and embrace the situation. It might also be helpful to hear from those who are naturally poly but who've helped a partner to embrace that too.

I know that it's all about communication, communication, communication – and we are communicating! But I think it would be helpful to get some other perspectives.

I don't want advice along the lines of “he just wants to play the field, get rid of him, have some respect.” I don't want to get rid of him, I love him and he loves me. He's made the way he is, and that is with the capacity to love more than one person, and he will always be the kind to sleep around when he wants to. I love all of him. I want to find a way in which the emotional part of me feels at peace, at ease, and safe with the situation – which can then align with my rational sense which knows everything is alright… We will find a way for this to work for both of us, and your tips and advice might help us but we'll do it anyway.

I am finding the situation hard for a variety of reasons, and would welcome comments from those who've experienced and overcome (and if not overcome, what do you think was the reason why…?)

The first is an inate insecurity and low self-esteem in my character – a flaw in many respects, not just in this instance. But not being the 'only one' makes me feel less special, less worthy, less… Which I then justify because I feel less deserving…

The second is jealousy – he is mine, I'm a territorial being, and I don't like to share… (Actually, in the D/s sense I am his, but in this regard I'm finding it hard to make that the relevant part…)

The third is societal convention – it's not 'normal' to not be in a couple as defined as two people… (Now, logically, it's not normal to like getting the sh1t beaten out of you regularly and like kneeling at his feet, but I don't seem to have a problem with those things not being normal… just this..). Society would say “you're worth so much more, you deserve someone who will love only you…” which reinforces the first part about insecurity and self-esteem. But rationally I know this is an out-dated constriction which many of us (and non-kink people too) have broken free from.

I hope that made a bit of sense... So… any tips please oh lovely IC'ers…?

(edited to add, also posted on the poly group board, a kind suggestion from another IC'er )

Edited to add as the thread is now full: once again, thank you. Having re-read the thread and my original post, I realise that I didn't explicitly say that my partner was upfront with me from day 1 about his other relationships and what he wanted from an open relationship; and there have never been any restrictions on my playing with other girls either. I'm hugely grateful for all the comments and helpful suggestions by the contributors to this thread, thank you.