Other People's Happiness [Jun.11]

I'm not very well. I haven't been very well for a little while now (some might say a whole long time). Two weeks ago I accepted the fact that my coping mechanisms weren't actually helping me cope anymore, and I got some of the happy pills from the doctor. They seemed to work almost immediately, I stopped needing to cry all the time, in fact I seemed to stop crying altogether. I stopped feeling so maniacally desolate. I felt better.

But I know I'm not. I'm still so desperately sad inside. In the past, when I was married and trying to get pregnant, I used to coil up tight inside whenever anyone was pregnant, or I was around young children. I'm like that again, now. People talking on facebook, or twitter, or here, about being with someone, being happy, I get all twisty inside again, jealous, green with envy, sorry for myself, hating myself for being so unloveable, making that a truth.

It's not that I broke up with someone. It's not that I'm not over him. It's that I'm not over not being in a relationship. I hate being single, relying on just me, facing a future without someone looking over me, protecting me, someone I can rely on. Life is such a struggle, I don't want to do it alone.

Apart from all the other side effects of these pills, I don't think they're really being that effective anymore. When I go for my repeat prescription I'll be asking for a new brand...