Black Swans & Elephants [Mar.11]

So. Tomorrow I'm moving. Again. I moved twice last year. Since I left my ex husband 4 years ago, I think this is the 8th move... It's become a standing joke. I'm good at the self-deprecating jokes about it. It's not a joke.

When you leave a marriage your world changes. I didn't know what I wanted. I didn't know where I belonged. And then I was raped. In the home I had been trying to make the place I belonged. Since then, I just haven't been able to settle, to feel safe, to feel at home.

Every time I move, I expend a great deal of energy (and money) making the place feel like 'home'. It doesn't work. I need this next move to 'take', I need to settle. I think it will, I think it is addressing all the elements it needs to, I need to stop being the joke and smiling through the pain the joke re-lives. But I am so scared to let myself feel at home, to feel safe, to believe that safe can be achievable.

Today, I was supposed to go home, finish packing. I want to move so badly. And I will, tomorrow. But instead tonight I drank too much and went out to be amongst my friends at the Elephant. I was at a team meeting. We went out for drinks, we drank bubbles. Conversation turned to feeling safe, coming home from drinks events, staying at hotels. Suddenly, I felt exposed, panic rising up in me, wanting to share that it didn't matter what you do, sometimes just bad shit happens. The tears were welling, my nails were dug deep into my arm. I focused on my breathing, just each breath, one at a time, slow. And slowly I realised they were now talking about how Black Swan was a big disappointment and they'd moved on. I came back to earth, to now, and said, yes, it was a sledgehammer that should have been a subtle ballet and the moment passed...

But it hadn't. I'd covered. I hadn't been found out. But I proceeded to drink more bubbles, to become more verbose, to compensate for the way I felt. And I couldn't go home and finish packing. Because moving tomorrow is just the latest manifestation of my 'recovery', rebuilding my life and trying to find someplace where I can settle and feel safe. And I still don't trust that I will.

So, I went to the Elephant. The thing I've loved always about the 'scene', is that it's a 'place' where I do feel safe. I love that it's someplace where I feel welcome, where I feel myself. It was unplanned, probably unwise in my silly verbose mood, but it was exactly the tonic I needed before setting myself up for the move tomorrow. Thank you, everyone.