Pissing the Night Away [Apr.11]

Yep, this is a 'oh that lush rose has been drinking tonight then' blog...

But the lyrics of the same song: "I get knocked down / But I get up again / You're never going to keep me down" are more appropriate.

There's a lot going on right now. Individually, each thing would be the kind of thing that people might say, "oh, that's tough, how do you keep going?" And yet I am keeping going. I'm surprising myself. I'm realising how strong I might actually be. I'm proud of myself.

1. I moved house. Again. Moving house is supposed to be as stressful as divorce. Since I got divorced I've moved house about 8 times (I am losing count). Each time it's getting harder, not easier. I lose faith in whether this one will 'stick', whether I can count on putting down roots, getting settled, feeling at home.

2. I became single. It wasn't what we wanted. Then what had been already an un-simple split became something else that knocked me sideways. I can't talk about it yet but it's made me question everything and I'm trying not to. I didn't see this one coming.

3. Work is crazy busy. Overwhelmingly so. Not a bad thing, just hard to deal with when 1) and 2) make me want to curl into a ball and disappear.

4. Sunday is the 3rd anniversary of the day when I was raped. I try not to think about it, but the nightmares have come back and I wake up from panic attacks, short of breath, frightened. I've become scared to go to sleep. Being absolutely exhausted through lack of sleep is not making 1-3 any easier to handle.

I'm so tired of getting up again. But until the world stops knocking me down, the only thing to be done is to get up again. Because the alternative is to stay down, and with no-one but myself to rely on, that just isn't an option. If I fall, the only person who can catch me, is me. Yes, I have friends. And the support you give me is invaluable. I'm forever amazed, astounded and touched by the support I get from 'near friends' - those of you who I know, but don't really know well. But, in the end, friends can only go so far. I have to rely on me.

And the thing is, however tough it gets, however much I want to curl up in a ball and disappear, I do get up again, and I start to believe that maybe the world, however unfair it is, just won't succeed in keeping me down.

And so for the short times when I do allow it to get to me, I refuse to beat myself up. Sometimes it's ok to cry.

Edited to add: tonight it was a bubbles drink.