Hurting [written as twisted_eros, Nov.08]

Well, this is my first post under this profile... If you read the bit about me, you'll know this profile is for me to hide behind. i set it up a little while ago, back when i thought i might really have to hide out for a while.. So now it exists for when i want to get things out. Not sure why i think it'll help to have things on the internet, rather than just keeping a private diary... But somehow i think it will. With a private diary its all still there for me to keep, and i want it properly out of me... But somehow i can't seem to write it down and then delete it... Deleting it doesn't seem right, but keeping it there just hurts too much...

i don't even know really what i want to say in this post... i'm so mixed up at the moment. Life is just so much of a struggle, some days i don't feel like i can carry on. Other days i'm surprised by how i can even feel happy. i seem to be using pain to help me through, and i know that's not healthy, but cutting myself isn't healthy either and at least i'm not doing that. Although i think about it almost every single moment. Somehow, whilst the beatings make me feel better, they can also make me feel worse... i need to feel safe, looked after, cared for, maybe even loved... Strangely, when i'm being beaten i feel those things, but its temporary and the intensity of the beating just emphasises how alone i am afterwards.

i don't think i'll ever get better. i know its soon really and i know it takes time... But i just feel like a charity case, begging for a beating to get from one week to another. Damaged goods. It feels like no-one's ever loved me, even my husband loved someone else the last 6 years of our marriage. People want to play with me, but no-one wants to love me. And i get why. So, i go into a spiral of feeling sorry for myself, hating myself, needing to hurt myself, or be hurt just to get by. i try so hard to do the positive things, to get better but its all so fragile and it all feels like such hard work... i wish i could believe in the light at the end of the tunnel...

i have so much to be grateful for. Some absolutely amazing friends, both on the scene and vanilla. A great job that pays for a very comfortable lifestyle. i'm getting help for what happened. i just wish everything could go away, that i could turn back time, and it never happened. Because i don't know how to stop it hurting me.

Signing off, enough maudlin, i hope this experiment works and i feel better now some of it is out of me...