Will it ever end? [posted as twisted_eros, Jan09]

Woke up crying. Went to sleep crying. Some days it just comes over me in waves. Felt for a while like it was getting better, but the pain inside just seems to be cutting me like a knife, tearing me apart from the inside, the emptiness and lonliness jeering at me.

Two years ago, i was 33, married, trying for a baby, big 4 bedroom house, good career. Not very happy. But then, i'm not happy now either. Now, i'm 35, single, renting a small flat, on a contract. Broken and damaged in ways i'm only beginning to comprehend. He's engaged and expecting the kid we were always going to have together.

i look back, and i don't know how this happened. Yes, i had to leave, neither of us were happy. But how did i lose everything? How did i lose my sanity? i used to be so strong, now all i am is fragile, jumping out of my skin when a car door slams outside the window. Would it all be different if last April hadn't happened? When will i ever recover from that? Will i?

i don't know how to move on. The desolation of lonliness eats me up but i can't date. i simply cannot. i freeze with panic at the thought of meeting someone new, someone i don't know, somewhere where i don't know anyone else. So, i tell people to meet me at a munch, but if they're not on the scene, they look down on that, they don't want to make the effort. So fuck them. But i can't date, and i can't meet vanillas, that panics me even more, so i really don't know what to do. Just a hug. Just to feel like i didn't have to do all this by myself. Just to cry into someone else's arms. Then maybe i could find the strength to carry on.

Everywhere i look, people are pairing up, whether its casual or more permanent. Everyone says i'm ok looking, that they love me, but not in that way, that i should be snapped up. But who wants desperation? Its not an attractive quality. And i won't do casual, and i won't share. Which pretty much means the whole scene that i know is off limits. And back to the previous point, i can't meet anyone else, because i panic at the thought of meeting them. Catch 22.

i really am not sure of the point of trying to carry on. But i will. Try. Put on my happy mask again, fool the world, and try to fool myself.

Twisted, once again.