FTW [Mar.10]

Fuck the world.

I received news today that has left me reeling. I suspected photographs were taken but I had no clear memory. Today I found out, in what should have been a totally incongruous letter from the CICA, that there were. And that the CPS had not been able to ascertain consensual vs. non-consensual from the images, but the fact that I was never even asked to comment remains. That there did exist (does exist?) some pictorial evidence that might help me to fill in the blanks (do I want to?).

Old wounds reopened. At least, as a good friend pointed out, they are old, which means they will close again.

Trying to rationalise why I suddenly feel so upset. Because he made me a victim, which I've been dealing with, moving on from. But the system made me a victim twice over, dis-empowering me, making a decision that gave me no closure. And today, almost 2 years after the event, I find out that there was evidence, pictures, of me, which the system (I have to assume for good legal reasons) kept from me. But the fact of which makes me feel like a victim, again. I hate that word. Victim. It is so dis-empowering. It is non-consensual. Bad things happen to good people.  Someone said that to me a long time ago when I was trying to make new sense of the world. But the betrayal has always been in the system to not stand up and acknowledge that a bad thing even happened. And today that betrayal was once again highlighted.

I need to focus on the good things. Those who know me, know that my mental health, and rebuilding my life, have been hard won battles. But I have won. And what I've achieved, and where I am now, these are too precious to let go; I know how tenuous these achievements are, how easy it would be to sink under the weight of this kind of thing, but I'm not going to. FTW. Fuck the world. In the original sense of the phrase. I will not be dragged under. I am a survivor, I will survive, and I won't even be a cliched girl power song whilst doing so...