Getting Better [posted as twisted_eros, Nov.08]

i had a good therapy session yesterday. About time too! Usually the support group leaves me entirely drained, and i go through a cycle of feeling crap, pulling myself out of it, and then feeling crap again in anticipation of the next one...

But yesterday was different. It wasn't going to be a good one. i was jet-lagged, just flown back in to Blighty in the morning, full of a stinky coughy cold, about to come on... It had been an emotional weekend - supposedly a celebration, taking my 'best friend' on holiday to celebrate her upcoming nuptials, by the first night she had told me she was embarrassed by me, apparently my hair is too short, my ear piercings are ugly and i don't wear enough make-up. All the usual kind of insult from her, the kind i usually take with a pinch of salt, celebrating our 'differences.' i had to draw the line though and ask her to move out of the hotel room when she said i was a slag that deserved to be raped. And apparently because it took me a month to report the rape to the police, it must mean i wasn't really raped either.

(For the record, i am not a slag. Well, i wasn't that night. But even if i was, no-one 'deserves' to be raped).

i was livid. i am not a person who gets angry easily. And the only retort i could find was that with all the tanning she does, her skin would be leather soon...

So, the therapy session wasn't going to be a good one. i wasn't really in the frame of mind for more onslaught. But actually, i think all the things conspiring to make me feel bad, made me find some strength to confront my most inner demon.

i admitted i didn't want to get better. Because if i were better what he did wouldn't matter so much.

Stupid eh?

Admitting it seems like a weight off my shoulders. Feeling bad is only making me feel bad. (And some of my friends, i know it hurts them to see me hurt). i feel suddenly stronger today, for the first time thinking that i don't need to just get through the day, but that there might be a future also. i feel less fragile. And partially i have my ex-'friend' to thank for that. i said goodbye to her, i'm not putting up with fakery's anymore.

It still matters. He raped me. He beat me, and i have scars still. He raped my arse. He used the espresso handle on me. He forced me to 'submit' to make the pain stop, he took what is most beautiful to me and made me twist it so i could survive. Still, when i play i remember, submission is tainted now. It will take a very thoughtful and special Dom to undo that damage. i stopped fighting, i called him Sir, i sucked his cock. It doesn't make it less of a rape because i did what i could to make it end, make him go, make him not kill me. It doesn't make me a slag that i drank a lot of vodka, that i was drunk. There's a lot i don't remember about that night, how did he get to my flat? There's a lot he did that's fuzzy, and then there's a lot he did that is in technicolour. It doesn't make me a slag, that i've had a few one night stands. It doesn't make it right. What happened was wrong. i'm going to stop blaming myself, stop punishing myself by feeling bad. i'm going to get stronger now.

i see the world differently now. It's a screwed up world and bad things happen to good people. i'm going to start seeing myself as good people.

For the record, for those who are wondering, it was a vanilla date. Just supposed to be dinner. First date on match.com. Those fuckers are lurking everywhere, we all know to be careful, and i thought i was being careful. i don't know if he spiked my drink, maybe, maybe not, but he was clever in how he got me to drink. And i've never had memory loss like this with drink, so i know my mind is trying to protect me still.

i'm still angry about a lot of things. In this community we get angry that consensual harm can be prosecuted under law. i had evidence of non-consensual harm and no prosecution was brought. Because non-consent could not be proved. The police said based on how much had been consumed at the restaurant, they believed i was drunk. But drunkiness is not enough sometimes to prove non-consent. For me the evidence is overwhelming - photographs of the damage done to me, the fact of drunkiness prohibiting consent, the use of the espresso handle as a dildo... But its not enough for the CPS to prosecute. The police were wonderful, very supportive, but the CPS won't take anything to court they aren't sure of winning as they have targets to meet... i know my 'lifestyle' was a factor. How do you get a jury to believe a girl who normally likes to be beaten, didn't want to be beaten? Well, a girl who normally likes sex, also didn't want sex... The thing i'm most angry about though, is that he got off. And if he told his friends he'd been 'wrongfully' arrested for rape, the fact that no charges were brought will just shore up that claim, and add to the urban legend that women just take delight in making false rape claims. It almost killed me to report it, the process, the hope. There was a time when it was very fragile for me, i could have ended it all. And it makes me very angry that i put myself through all that and nothing came of it.

So, it matters. It matters a lot to me. And it probably always will. But for the first time since it happened, i feel like i might be able to beat it, to feel whole again, to not feel defined by that hurt, to figure out who i am now. i'm even looking forward to 'tomorrow', to the fact that there is a 'tomorrow' and that it might hold good things.

i couldn't have done this alone. The Women & Girl's Network are a wonderful charitable organisation. My friends who have kept me going, they mean the world to me, they know who they are. Thank you.

Not so twisted anymore.... rose...