another Monday afternoon (posted as twisted_eros, Nov.08)

...another painful support group session... why, oh why, does getting help need to hurt so much...? my counsellor is not happy with me, i'm not doing enough to try to make my life better and i'm sinking into a pit of self-pity... It helps to know the other women aren't finding it easy either, and to know that my experience was relatively recent in comparison, but i don't feel like i'm getting better, just going through the motions... These sessions seem to fuck me up for a couple of days afterwards, then i feel better for a couple of days, then i feel bad again in anticipation of it again... They're supposed to be healing but i don't feel like i'm healing...

i guess i have made some revelations. i've realised that i've been immersing myself so much in the scene because in the scene i control the violence against me, and in the real world that violence is uncontrollable and frightening. i'm also using the violence and the pain as a substitute for cutting. Not a good move. So, i know i need to pull back a bit, not entirely because i need the support of some very good friends who are on the scene, but just a bit, to learn how to function again in the real world and not to use a beating as therapy. It'd be nice if a beating could be fun again instead of using it to re-live parts of what happened on my own terms...

And i know the main reason i'm not trying that hard to get better is that getting better is really scary... Sounds counter-intuitive, i know, but if i get better, i have to take responsibility for myself, i can't lean on people, i have to face up to being alone. If i get better, that man hasn't fucked me up for life. Not that he'd ever know anyhow, but he should know and feel life-long guilt for what he did.

But i need to start doing some more positive things for myself. i need to start exercising properly and get stronger. i need to start eating more healthily. i need to stop smoking. i need to take the time for a long, hot bath every now and again. i need to lose the 2+ stone i put on comfort eating in the months afterwards. i need to learn how to be happy without the help of other substances. i need to change the negative voice in my head, which says i don't deserve happiness, and i need to chase happiness like its the air i breathe...

Every now and again, i just need hugs...